“She’s just my bestie. Nothing serious.”
“I am in a happy relationship…this guy is just my bestie. We ‘connect’ 😂 but I have a man.”
And we continue to deceive ourselves.
I’LL start this article with a simple question: Why do you need someone that close when you have a partner?
If you are fine with your partner being excessively close with any Sally and Susan because it gives you the liberty to be equally close to any Dick and Harry, this article is not for you.
I speak for those who view relationships as platforms that can help them exchange value, gain companionship and ultimately build model homes.
Just a Bestie: The New Emotional Affair
Many people see nothing wrong with having a close friend of the opposite sex even when they are in a committed relationship with another. Others even argue that it is better to have someone else other than your partner as a best friend.
Yet again, some even go as far as saying, “It is risky to put all your eggs in one basket.” Tell me more, mother hen!
Ene, what if he cheats on me with another person?
What if he decides to call off the relationship?
Really? 🤔 Should we have this conversation?
Who is a Bestie?
Let’s start from here… if you are in a relationship, besties of the opposite sex are simply the people who do the job of your boyfriend or girlfriend without the title.
They do literally everything your boyfriend does or does not do in the relationship for you without necessarily having to bother themselves with the title of “boyfriends.”
If they don’t want the title, why write a blog post of 1k words on the subject? I’ll tell you why.
A person is your bestie if you:
1. Run to them when you fight with your partner. The Problem solver.
2. Message (chat) them up at ungodly hours. Clandestine Valentine.
3. Are more vulnerable with them than with your partner. Hard girl/guy.
4. Wish your partner would “understand” you as they do. Calculus.
5. Do not inform your partner about the existence of such a person in your life. Undercover agents.
6. Ignore the complaints of your partner about your closeness with such a person. Ko necesstri.
7. Defend such a person when your partner feels threatened by their presence in your life, even to the point of telling your partner they have self-esteem issues rather than take steps to cut down on your closeness. Guardian of the bestie galaxy.
8. Occasionally find yourself wondering how a relationship with them would be like. Red flag.
9. Have people asking who you are actually dating. Confucius.
10. Don’t bother to make up fast with your partner at times when you have a misunderstanding because such persons are filling the emotional space your partner left empty. Full-blown emotional affair.
If any of the above lists applies to you, then it may be high time you review that friendship especially if the health, longevity and goals of your relationship matter to you otherwise; you are headed for a breakup.
Vulnerability: The Most Important Trait in a Relationship
In love, one of the most important traits you can have is vulnerability. Being vulnerable in a relationship means allowing your partner to know you fully: your feelings, challenges, weaknesses, dreams, goals and thoughts.
It can be scary to open up those dark sides we hate to show anyone to our partners for fear of being misjudged.
But honestly, I am not going to mince words; a bestie of the opposite sex will always be harmful to whatever long-term relationship you are trying to build with your partner.
While there are no hard and fast rules about what is right or wrong in a relationship, nothing beats having your partner as your best friend.
Besties Hinder You from Being Vulnerable with Your Partner
Whoever you speak to the most is who you will be vulnerable with and whoever you’re vulnerable with sooner or later will have most if not all your attention.
A bestie effectively hinders you from being vulnerable with the right person. You break down in front of your bestie but put up a front for the person you’re in love with.
You discuss life-changing decisions with your bestie and leave your partner on read when they as much as mention your dreams and goals.
Your bestie is the first to know you have changed jobs, moved into a new home and even financial challenges.
Are you really besties? I’ll leave you to answer that question.
It is even safer to have a close friend of the same sex (I don’t support homosexual behaviour by the way) in order to avoid any emotional entanglement if you cannot do away with having besties.
I know you somehow think being vulnerable means opening yourself up to attack. Nevertheless, being vulnerable is important if you want to build long-lasting intimacy and form an intimate connection with your partner. You cannot achieve this with someone else hanging around your relationship like a shadow in the name of bestie.
So I cannot be Friends with the Opposite Sex because I’m in a Relationship?
That’s not what I wrote.
You perfectly understand the friendships that pose a threat to your relationship and if you would swallow a tiny honesty pill and tell yourself the truth, you are aware of the implications of such a relationship on your commitment to your partner.
You delete chats.
Your phone is under lock and key 24/7.
You unnecessarily become irritated at your partner even when the situation does not warrant it because you have begun to compare your partner’s flaws to this perfect bestie in your life.
I am honestly not against keeping opposite-sex relationships. I simply have a problem with people who position themselves between couples like butter between two slices of bread. You won’t be ‘toasted’ that way, my dear.
How Do I Eliminate Unhealthy Besties in my Relationship?
1. Educate yourself on the power of choice. You chose this person to become your partner. Act like you are proud of that choice even when besties show up.
2. Never report your partner to a person of the opposite sex you have been emotionally connected to.
3. Identify the difference between someone who wants to be genuine friends with you from someone who is simply waiting for their chance to date you.
4. Respectfully remind such people that you are in a committed relationship.
5. When you fight with your partner, try not to go incommunicado on them especially when they reach out.
6. Find mutual accountability partners for your relationship.
7. Don’t belittle your partner when they raise their concerns about such people.
8. If all else fail, introduce that bestie to your partner.
9. Pray for each other and read books about building intimacy.
10. Never see your partner as the enemy when you fight.
11. Take a break off platforms that give you the opportunity to chat that bestie when you have misunderstandings with your partner.
12. Remember that even the best of relationships are still work in progress.
How Can my Partner Become my Bestie?
First, you cannot force anyone to see you as their friend. Please remember this. Friendships are not supposed to be forced; they ought to happen naturally.
There is a biblical principle for winning people over: If you want friends, you must first show yourself friendly.
1. Become genuinely interested in their goals, visions and ambitions.
2. Tell them they are your bestie.
3. Pray for them.
4. Become the friend you wish them to be to you.
5. Do away with the mindset that view them as “one of your options.”
6. Have a common goal you both want to achieve.
7. Know where the relationship is headed and ask them “How far?” if you suspect foul play.
I hope this article helps your relationship become better.
Read “The Side Chick Syndrome” if you want an article similar to this and don’t forget to share this article with your bestie!