“Hi…I was hoping we could catch up on old times. It’s been a while…how has life been treating you and what have you been up to since we last spoke?”
“Hello…thanks you for reaching out. You mean, what have I been up to since we broke up? Well, I bagged a first degree, building a business and this is just the beginning….
The conversation was over before they even had the chance to “catch up on old times.” “Hello” is just another hit song from Adele until your ex brazenly shows up after a looooooooong time. But this is why we are here for you with our ultimate guide to moving on or handling a break-up.
1.Turn Your Pains into Gains
It is important that whoever dumped never comes back to find you as miserable as they left you. Perhaps, this is my most important break-up advice to you. You will hate yourself when six years after they dropped the “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup line, they return to find you still swimming in the ocean of misery they pushed you into.
Let your pain, bitterness and disappointment be the motivation you need to get out of bed and make something better out of your life. This is easier said than done but imagine meeting an ex and having to hide your face because the loser they suspected you were when they dumped you turned out to be actually true.
2. Know When to Burn the Bridge
One of my favourite statements when I get questions like, “My ex is trying to get back with me and I am in a dilemma” is this:
“I know connections that I deliberately cut and were deliberately cut. I also know bridges I burnt and bridges I temporarily cut down.”
The problem with some of you is you break up in your head but your heart is still connected to the idea of what might have been. Most times, I reply such people with a “Did you temporarily break up or permanently break up?” question.
Keep every conversation: Short. Straight. Simple.
If you are currently crying over the love of your life, you have got to make up your mind if the damage is something you are willing to repair and the memory of it, something you can live with or forget.
3. Run Away From the “I Am Here for You” Squad
Not everyone is qualified and emotionally mature to help you through a breakup. In the sea of strangers and friends willing to listen to you is a potpourri of different motives behind their willingness to help.
Here are a few of the people that will want to “help” you through your emotional down times.
- Some simply want to confirm you have actually vacated the space you have been occupying in the life of Bae so they can move in like the SWAT team and begin to comfort your beloved. I call these ones, you guessed rightly, the “SWAT Team”!
- Then we have the Search and Rescue Team. These ones have been waiting for when the bum of a guy will make a mess out of the relationship so they can also move in and show you what it means to be loved up by the “right man” with some strings attached of course.
- Misery loves company, darling. Yet again, we have another precious category who themselves have been miserable all their lives and your current situation is the perfect environment for them to feed their loneliness.
- The “rumour team” will have you end up as blog titles and headlines in every major and minor conversation they subsequently will have.
- Finally, the loyalists. These are the ones who will cry with you or sit in silence with you. Your business is safe with them but the problem is like diamonds, they are very rare to come by. The good news however is, we all have such persons in our circles.
4. Never Tell Anyone What You Would Not Like Them to Remember
The willingness to talk increases when you are in pain as sharing your concerns and hurts creates a false and temporary feeling of relief. However, be sure that whatever you say at such unguarded periods is likely to end up in regret especially if the possibility of reconciliation with your significant other presents itself.
How then can you unburden? Depending on the foundations of your relationship, you can either talk to your mentor, (someone who before now has been aware of the relationship) or a trusted friend. If you have none, talk to God and yourself.
This is because if you both make up, you may forgive your partner but those you have exposed their weaknesses or shortcomings to never will. In a relationship, the fewer people know about your business, the better for you and your partner…
5. Talk about the Elephant in the Room
If reconciliation is a possibility, make sure you don’t just kiss away the pain and hope it doesn’t repeat itself again. Time does not change anything, decisions do. Talk about the whys, who and whats that brought about the break-up.
Ensure you thoroughly talk about anything that has been a challenge in the relationship. Ask them whether there are things about you they are not comfortable with and if yes, how much of a deal breaker such things are.
6. Spend Quality Time and Make Sure There is an Apology
If you are important, they will create time for you even if they are running out of it.
If you make up, it is important you create times meant to heal and reinforce trust again. Go out, spend time together and be happy again. Pray together and make sure no hurt is left untouched.
7. Finally, Do Not Be Afraid to Love Again
I am a firm believer in the Gospel of “Nobody is perfect.” However, if reconciliation is totally out of the question, you must find strength to move on my darling. Are there good people out there, willing to build something worthwhile with you?
You’ll find them here on Black Safaya, on the street or perhaps they could be your next door neighbour. Be hopeful.
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