Let’s talk about friends who want to be more than friends…
It’s time to call for a united relationships conference where we can discuss the importance of communicating our value, needs and worth continuously.
A new relationship usually begins with strong boundaries that each partner honour. However, this eventually fades out due to familiarity, confidence or loss of trust and commitment. When boundaries are broken, people get hurt, someone tends to feel used, stupid and taken for granted.
If you have struggled to communicate your pain points in the area of boundary setting to your partner or just recently realized their boundaries are porous, here is how to get back on track.
Five Painful Things Lack of Boundaries May Cause Your Relationship
- A drop in trust levels between you and your partner.
- Insecurity and self-esteem issues
- Weak commitment and indifference towards the relationship.
- A breakup.
Are You Struggling with Boundary Issues in Your Relationships?
The only way to solve a problem is to tackle it head on. Boundaries like babies cannot take care of themselves. You have to make the move to repair the broken fence and here is how you can.
1. Self discovery
The more we have an unshakable and deep centred belief in our true identity, the less easier it is for anyone to walk all over you in a relationship. Your relationship with yourself will largely determine how others treat you.
Most times, we end up in toxic relationships because we don’t even know what we want, who we are and who deserves us.
2. Communication is key
I know you are trying as hard as possible to avoid having to deal with a conflict but when dealing with porous or broken boundaries, you must have the courage to call a spade a spade. Setting firm boundaries is only one out of the many things to talk about and resolve in your relationship.
Don’t pile up anger and resentment. Talk about it before the pot boils over or explodes.
3. Emotional intelligence
I am learning how to explain instead of expressing my emotions because men respond more to logic than emotion.
When you feel resentful and angry, that should be the perfect time to take a walk or leave them to themselves. I always say “It is us against the problem. You are not the problem.”
After you must have explained how their actions in no way show how much they value their commitment to you, leave them to meditate on the things you have said because “If you convince a man against his will, he will be of the same opinion still.”
4. Don’t give ultimatums
Stop saying things like “I’ll leave if you don’t do this or that”, “Stop acting like that around women you know want to get into bed with you,” “You must not be friends with this person.”
Ultimatums actually do the exact opposite of what you want to achieve. Instead, remind them of your commitment to each other and point out anything you feel is a threat to the goal at hand. Removing yourself from the equation helps to neutralize your stand.
It is easy to justify toxic behaviours when we are in love. To avoid playing second fiddle, have an accountability group you can always turn to if all fails. This could be your mentor, trusted friend or a dating coach – reliable people whose opinion you can trust.
Ask yourself if you have been exhibiting the same behavior you are accusing them of. People do crazy things to deal with betrayals and trust issues.
Perhaps you have been shady about certain acquaintances, always excuse yourself to answer certain calls, keep everything in your life under lock and key and offer no explanation even when they ask. You don’t build trust by being secretive.
There is nothing attractive about a person who does not honour your commitment to another.
7. Pray for them
Pray for your partner whenever you feel their boundaries are slipping again and ask God to help them build the resolve they need to be firmly committed to you.
8. Call it off
If after several attempts, they fail to acknowledge how much that particular behavior is hurting your relationship with them, do speak with your mentors and if no tangible solution comes out of it, find courage to call it off.
There is no use staying in a relationship where there is zero trust, respect or willingness to change.
Establishing boundaries as you can see has much to do with how you conduct yourself too…to earn trust, you must be trustworthy. Today, take a step and do some relationship housekeeping; define some and let go of some.
Did I forget anything important? You can remind me in the comment box…